Without Love
by Torama
Summary: For the first time in her lonely life Ayanami Rei knows emotions, set free in the battle with an Angel. This story is about her thoughts at that moment. SPOILER ALERT.


Title: Author: Torama Warning: **SPOILER** - Angst(?) - Rating PG-13(?) I'm not good at rating. Summary: this fic is about Ayanami. It's short, but I usually write these kinds of fics short. POV-ish.. Takes place during Rei-2's fight with the Sixteenth Angel Armisael. Enjoy, and r&r if you like. Any constructive comments are welcome.  
  
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Evangelion Unit Zero landed heavily, it's blue coating gleaming in the flashes of light the Angel in front of it emitted. The double helix shifted, elusive even when one looked at it, constantly pulsating.  
  
Unit Zero's pilot looked at it, the white light leaving coloured spots on the insides of her eyelids when she blinked. Cracked voices shouted orders through the comm. She listened carefully, concentrating on making sense of the disturbed voice through the static.  
  
Her mind, never intended for anything else but the simple action of listening and obeying commands was calculating, pushing all other thought except the battle aside. Concentration caused her brow to crease, and along with the Evangelion Ayanami was controlling, the air seemed to tense.  
  
  
  
Follow orders. Activate AT Field.  
  
Follow orders. Defeat Angel.  
  
Follow orders. Return to base.  
  
Follow orders.. Protect Ikari..  
  
  
  
Her large, blood-red eyes widened at this thought. With her stare fixed on the luminous helix in front of her, Ayanami took far too long to ponder the meaning of those words, sounding clear in her mind. Words that were simple, human, expressing the need to protect someone.. Ikari. Words that came from feeling, words with emotion, passion. For a brief moment, Ayanami nearly succeeded at convincing herself that these thoughts weren't hers..  
  
Follow.. follow orders.  
  
Her attempt at stiffening her resolve failed. What seemed to be a million questions darted across her mind.. Her mind, once a pool of dark, deep water, so still it seemed a mirror, was disturbed by heavy bricks, creating ripples and finally waves of emotion that washed over her like a flood.  
  
Am I real? Who am I? Why am I here? What is this I'm feeling? Why have I never felt this way before? What is life? What is love? Can I love? Do I love? Can anyone hear me?  
  
It was pain she felt.. The deepest of pain. Anguish, filling her mind, making her feel those things she never felt before.. Simple things but genuine. Real emotions, clutching at her heart and making it ache.. All those things she had wanted to do in life, the things she wanted to say but never forced past her lips. Why had she done that?  
  
Can anyone hear me? No-one answers..  
  
Her hands clutched around the controls of her Eva, all conherent, calculating thought from before gone. She heard screams..  
  
Pain.. no more pain. I feel it now.. Let me feel. Let me do this.. Let me fight. Let me protect.. Let me love. I've lived without love for so long.. Alone. Life isn't worth living like this. Not now.  
  
Unit Zero launched itself at the merciless Angel. It's AT Field sprang to life, clashing with the terror of the Angel, set on destroying it..  
  
Why am I here?  
  
For a brief moment, the Evangelion seemed more than it really was. Feral were it's movements, relentless it's path, strong it's actions, but inside, it cried. It cried for a lost life, for lost time, for lost chances. It cried because it's pilot felt all this.. Because she knew that her existence had been bland, and empty.  
  
In a way, dying didn't seem too bad to her now. How could she live now that she knows what she didn't have.  
  
Life isn't worth living like this. Not without..  
  
A blinding flash of light and a searing, destructive shockwave followed. A scream, unheard through the deafening crashes. Ayanami's thoughts carried on into the afterlife, her soul's plea heard by nothing but the void.  
  
Not without love..  
  
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The End  
  
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Well, what do you think? Feel free to comment. This story was written one late night when I was feeling particularly down.. For some reason I always write angst. I love it. Sweet dreams. :) -Torama 


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